Noted: “Satanic Black Necrometal Posing A Grave Danger To Our Children”

Courtesy of ChristWire (of course), penned by “Job Samuelson,” comes this hilarious review of the Maryland DeathFest (otherwise known as The hellfuckinyeah, Electric Wizard came back to the States! Fest):

For four days in May, over Memorial Day weekend, hordes of Devil worshiping, drug crazed evildoers descended upon the unsuspecting city of Baltimore to participate in a bacchanalia of promiscuous sex, drugs, Satanic music, vandalism, arson, and enough horrid perversions in the eyes of the Lord to fill a entire library full of St. Peter’s books. This celebration of death and all that is evil made no bones about it’s purpose, titling itself “Maryland DEATHFEST”!

In order to discretely blend in so as not to arouse suspicion and suffer gruesome tortures at the hands of these heathen barbarians I donned the obligatory uniform of these so called “Metalheads”; A black t-shirt with Satanic imagery and symbols, a pair of torn, filthy jeans and faux snakeskin cowboy boots. Not able to bring myself to blaspheme the Lord, I donned a Stryper shirt which had not been washed anytime in the last decade, an adequate compromise. My hair is washed and clean cut, so I donned a long hair wig that had been soaked in beer and rubbed into the dirt to complete my disguise….

After passing through the gauntlet of brutality at the entrance to the festival, I witnessed many ghastly sights that will haunt me for all the days of my life. I will attempt to adequately describe them here, but some of these monstrosities are so shocking and perverse that they should not even be written down, much less read by good Christian men and women (and most definitely not children!)

Passing the underage blood orgy fuckpit where filthy metalheads writhed around nude on a grubby, fluid soaked mattress floating in a cesspool of blood with young teenage girls that had obviously been kidnapped, drugged and then forced to serve as unhallowed fuck puppets while Satanic priests in black robes ringed the pit, stroking their goat cocks and chanting Mephistophelian incantations, I perused table after table of all manner of demonic recordings featuring backwards masked messages advocating every manner of beastly and morally corrupt damnation. Additionally, on display, IN FULL VIEW were false idols, Satanic ritual implements and spell components as well as satanic bibles, black magic spell books, sacrificial animals, ritual daggers, bondage and torture instruments, and a veritable cornucopia of narcotic candy, goofballs, black widowpanes, slammers, Peruvian flake, Bahamian megadope, devil’s breath, nightshade, ladybubbles, wolfsbane, Frank Booth signature nitrous canister masks, Nazi vitamins, morphos, pig killer, pink witches, hell rox, bags of serpico 21, Mexican iguana scales, eye droppers of acid (hydrochloric, not LSD as one festival goer informed me), powdered foetus blood, salvia joints rolled from torn out pages of the Holy Bible laced with pcp and cobra venom and dusted with bath salts, not to mention an array of intoxicating alcoholic beverages and energy drinks laced with sacrificial goat urine and adrenochrome were all on offer….

Read the full essay.